Sometimes, in the business of critiquing games, there comes a moment where you have to ask yourself if your expectations of the creators behind projects are too high. Are you holding people, and their work, to too great a standard? Would you be strong enough, focused enough, bold enough to make the choices that lead to this game existing in the first place? Can you really say that, in their position, you’d do better than they ever could? I think about all of that, and then games like GORDY fall into my lap to remind me that having standards is important too. Sometimes, games are hollow, ambling, and slapdash in their construction - being able to acknowledge those failings and examine them in detail helps us understand and celebrate how other games prevail where this particular experience fell short. And if there’s one thing to be said in GORDY ’s favour, it’s that it isn't lacking for teachable moments, however much I may wish it did. Developed and published by MyGrandfather Games...
New year, new chance to hope against hope for good things before being crushed by the inevitable heartbreak of video games being a mess right now. In all seriousness, despite how easy it is to be cynical about the state of the industry, I still find value in examining the forthcoming slate of titles and offering my perspective on how much - or little - they have to offer.
For today I have elected to pinpoint the five games whose marketing leaves much to be desired. Time will tell if I prove correct in my predictions here, but at this moment these are my feelings as to how entirely not enticing these games appear.
The FIFTH LEAST PROMISING: Dead Space
Releases January 27th
The Basic Premise: It's the future, everyone's miserable and doing contract work like cracking planets for minerals. One such ship, the Ishimura, goes dark and eventually worries people enough to send a rescue crew to try to fix the situation. Enter the Necromorphs, space zombies of maybe supernatural origin that mutate into long-limbed monstrosities whose weakness is having said lengthy appendages severed.
How Am I Feeling?
Apparently the phrase "you can never go home again" really is lost on Electronic Arts. Under the publisher's watchful eye, a remake of the acclaimed 2008 space horror title has been developed and will soon make its way to store shelves. Perhaps unsurprisingly, this 'new' game looks to hew extremely closely to the original release save for a handful of minor details, such as the protagonist Isaac Clarke speaking from the start. Though I imagine for many folks the prospect of what seems to be a glorified remaster is enough of a selling point, to me it highlights just what a golden opportunity is being passed up here.
A new version of Dead Space could deviate from expectations and experiment with the premise in ways the original developers didn't (or couldn't). It could rework the zombie-like Necromorphs for different thematic and gameplay ends, explore Isaac and company's inner lives for great depth amid the carnage, or even use the entire game's existence to comment on the difficulty and borderline futility in trying to remake something at once so beloved yet also derivative of other works in the genre. There's many compelling directions to go... but then again that's not as safe a bet as "release the same game again with a new coat of paint".
The FOURTH LEAST PROMISING: Skull and Bones
Releases March 9 sometime in 2023, maybe?
The Basic Premise: It's a pirate game. You do pirate stuff. That's about it for context so far.
How Am I Feeling?
Well what do you know? I'd been planning to talk about this game and its less than inspiring presence for a while now, and then Ubisoft goes and kicks the can down the road as part of a wider series of delays, cancellations and cuts to spending that definitely isn't a sign of dire financial straits or poor management.
Anyway, this game has been in development since at least a short time after Assassin's Creed IV (the one with the pirate stuff), the implicit pitch being "Here's a version of that game without the tedious Assassins/Templars conspiracy plot and nominally supernatural background details". So far, the marketing hasn't suggested much beyond Ubi's typical fixation on overwhelming their open worlds with busy work and finicky game systems, save that it also doesn't look like an especially exciting or aesthetically compelling work.
The THIRD LEAST PROMISING: Dead Island 2
Releases April 28th
The Basic Premise: Sometime after the events of the first game, a new zombie outbreak has occurred in California. Mayhem ensues, of what looks to be a more irreverent variety than that of the original Dead Island.
How Am I Feeling?
Give it to Dead Island: at least its trajectory as a horror franchise is fascinating, if nothing else. Its first outing was teased well in advance by an all-time great trailer that, in retrospect, we probably should have suspected was not exactly honest about the tone (or quality) of the game it represented. Though far from commercial flops, Dead Island and its non-numbered followup Riptide proved divisive with its audience. Still, a Dead Island 2 was in the cards... albeit nine years after its initial announcement and two changes in developers.
Set aside for a moment that an overwhelming amount of zombie media - not just games, media as a whole - struggles to find interesting things to do with the monsters in question. Set aside that other games (and, again, other media) have done the shift from mostly played-straight horror to self-aware comedy-horror before and to greater effect. Just focus on the reality that a game locked in development hell for about a decade, passed between studios, and based on a property of dubious merit is not exactly set up for success.
Put another way: if the similar situation that last year's Dying Light 2 found itself in is any indication, this won't have a happy ending.
The SECOND LEAST PROMISING: RoboCop Rogue City
Releases sometime in 2023 (probably)
The Basic Premise: All we know for sure is RoboCop does RoboCop things because RoboCop.
How Am I Feeling?
Nothing that has tried to build on the foundations laid by 1987's RoboCop has been actually worth a damn. Both the film sequels are bad in distinct ways (though the common factor of disgraced comics writer Frank Miller being involved is not lost on me), the reboot was trite and lackluster garbage, and even for licensed fare the RoboCop games tend to be looked down upon by the wider public.
It's hardly surprising, then, that this looks like it's going through the motions of a milquetoast first-person action game whose most interesting element is that the developers somehow managed to talk the underappreciated Peter Weller into returning to his most famous role. And, like, geez Pete - you don't have to prove to anyone you're still cool. You were Buckaroo Bonzai, that's got to count for something.
LEAST PROMISING OF ALL: Hogwarts Legacy
(Unfortunately) releases February 10th (PC, PS5, Xbox Series S/X), April 4th (PS4 & Xbox One), and July 25th (Nintendo Switch)
The Basic Premise: It's the 1890s, you're playing as a kid that goes to the wizard school. Also there's a weird goblin conspiracy involved because Warner Bros. hates Jewish people or something?
How Am I Feeling?
Is this here so I can have another excuse to tell Joanne Rowling to eat shit? Well, partially - it's also here because the game has that washed-out blockbuster look Warner's been pushing since at least 2008 and pivots its whole damn plotline on heaps of antisemitism that distancing themselves from ol' Joanne R. was supposed to give them an excuse to avoid.
But also yes, eat shit Joanne. You spineless, hateful, talentless pissant of a person.
NEXT TIME, the good ones...
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